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  • Jon Bolitho-Jones

Encyclopaedia Edimoria - The Cheese Moons


The following extract is from the Encyclopaedia Edimoria volume 9, 34th edition by Alberfungus Betswish Stunk. It is about the bizarre phenomenon of cheese moons.

"It was once widely believed that the moons of Edimor were made of cheese. Of course such a belief would be ridiculed nowadays as through thorough testing and study this has been proven to not be the case. However Edimor is a large, magical, and at times utterly baffling galaxy, and certain moons have been discovered that would put these studies into doubt. No, the moons of Edimor are not made of cheese in 99.99% of cases. However there is still that 0.01% of moons that are. This phenomena has baffled the smartest minds our galaxy has ever produced. Indeed they are no closer to exposing this mystery.



The cheese moons are as varied as the planets of Edimor. No one knows how they came to be, though some say they were created as some kind of practical joke by a mischievous, but magically powerful, child. Others say that the gods themselves are big fans of fermented curd. Whatever the truth might be these moons come in a variety of different textures, strengths, and smells, catering, almost by accident, to every cheese connoisseur in the galaxy. For example Stilliton Beta is a small semi soft, and crumbly moon that has distinct blue veins in it along with a strong taste. On the other end of the spectrum Moz-Rella Primus is semi-soft and pale in colour, with a very gentle taste and smell that goes brilliantly with tomato and basil. There have also been some freak accidents as well, especially when two cheese moons collide, or swing too closely to a star. On one well known occasion Gruu-Yere collided with Emmtal while simultaneously being whipped by solar flares. The two moons melted together and continue to bubble away, being renamed Fonduaa in the process. Nearby cheese enthusiasts flock to this planet, and have poured copious amounts of white wine, garlic, and kirsch into it to improve its flavour. Weirder still are the cheese cultists who visit every year. They have a ritual in which they dip hunks of bread into the bubbling moon and then eat it. Those who drop their bread into Fonduaa are punished by being dipped themselves into the bubbling cheese. Very few survive this punishment, but records show they are generally very happy to meet their end this way.


Of course with moons made of cheese the many interesting inhabitants of Edimor have acted accordingly. Nearby planets often transform their entire industry to make such things as wine, crackers, and chutney upon discovery of one of these moons to take full advantage of the economic benefits it provides. There are always eager cheese enthusiasts and cultists willing to pay a small fortune to visit and consume them. So popular are these holidays and pilgrimages that some moons have almost disappeared. Bri-E Theta and Cheddnarstron have almost been eaten entirely – the planets they orbit experiencing bizarre tidal patterns and other phenomenon. A visit to a cheese moon can also be fatal for those who are lactose intolerant, the mere aroma of such places risks shutting down their vital organs. The small fascistic organisation, the Intolerant Lactose League or ILL, have lobbied the Alpharian Confederation on countless occasions, hoping to one day blow up every single cheese moon and eradicate everyone with a fondness for dairy products.



This thankfully will never happen. The cheese moons are too popular and economically important to remove. The legendary tale of the middle aged primate inventor and his canine sidekick visiting his local cheese moon in little but an orange rocket made of scrap metal and wood, has captured the minds and imagination of generations of children and cheese lovers. These moons will last until the very last bit of them has been eaten, potentially with crackers and a glass of wine.


As delightful as the cheese moons sound, it is on good authority that I say you must never visit Casu-Merzu: a place so rotten it is full of maggots and incredibly detrimental to one’s health. You have been warned."



With that it's bye for now. I'll be back soon.

Jon

https://www.troubador.co.uk/bookshop/young-adult/when-the-world-falls-down/


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