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  • Jon Bolitho-Jones

Thee Grimaces of Villainy - A stupid bit of Zelda Shakespeare...


Right, one night last year, I forget exactly when, I decided to write something rather silly. You might have heard of Ian Doescher's Shakespearean Star Wars. Well I tried to do something similar though using source material that is rather obscure and very very stupid. Read on at your own peril...


Some of you might be aware that I am a huge Legend of Zelda fan. My favourites are Majora's Mask and Ocarina of Time - they're some of the best games ever made. But I am not talking about these today. No I have decided to Shakespeare up the worst Zelda game ever made. It was meant to be for a new revolutionary games console, in fact the system was a precursor to the PS1. It was called the Phillips CDI and the biggest problem it had was that it was absolutely terrible. Nintendo gave them a license to make 3 Zelda games and 1 Mario game. They too were terrible, hilariously so. In geek circles they're infamous. The game play itself was awful and clunky, however what they are really known for are their terrible cut scenes. I don't know what came over me but I decided to write up the intro of The Legend of Zelda: Faces of Evil as the opening of a grand Shakespearen play. If you have no idea what I am talking about watch the video below - it will give you a bit of context as to what I worked with and prepare you for the Shakespearean verse below...



You watched it? Good. Now you know what I've been working with. It's terrible isn't it? If you've hung around this far I guess you are properly ready for it all. Here we go - may I present to you the classic "Shakespearean" play - The Legend of Zelda: Thee Grimaces of Villainy.





Thee Grimaces Of Villainy

Act 1 Sc.1 – Interior Hyrule Castle

Enter Link Hero of Time, King Harkinian, and Princess Zelda


LINK Gee, it occurs to thine that in these times, That I, hero of green do find myself, Having triumph’d o’er evil and villainy, Slain Octorok, Stalfo, and dreaded Keese, Found holy triforce, skultullas and hearts, Sav’d Goron, Zora, and friends so true, Had bottles 4, and seeds of Korok many, Do find this peace so tiresome and so dull. My quests are done, happiness return’d, And in this castle live I in plenty. But I, Link, hero of time, do find I, Have no delight to pass away the time, But to hit cuccoos with mine hero sword, And to break the pots of this castle’s store! In frustration I bellow from my lungs, Sayeth it sure is boring around here.


KING My boy though your frustrations twist your mind, Into knots of iron knuckles vile tough, And your hearts beat with dreaded, tiresome, march, As slow as Zora King dost skoot his right, Though sword arm tired as milk man Talon, Quiver full, hookshot unused and rusty, Bomb bag stuff’d to burst, magic bar full green, Listen to my good royal words of sense. Old and wise am I, say thus in fast truth, That though this time that thou dost find thyself, Is ease and calm as Zelda’s lullaby, Think of the quarrels and strife thou didst find, In your travels cross desert, swamp, and fire, Through Termina, Twilight, Skyloft, and time, Of temples water: lake and ocean bay, Of Rauru owl’s words, and of silent realm, Of monsters Gyorg, Imprison’d and dark self, Of controls motion, and that Tingle creep, For through these trials you did but struggle much So forget not the ache of these quest times, Enjoy these days of feast, rest, and plenty, Of sweet song, health hearts, and of much fishing. This peace which thou dost much complainest of, Is what all true warriors striveth for.


LINK I just, though my mind should be at peace, This hour wonder what Ganon is up to?


Enter Gwonam, mystic, with much fanfare, upon a flying carpet


GWONAM Your Majesty, of this fair Hyrule realm, I come to you of matters vile and bad, From good Koridai over the vast seas, A land that hast long been thy loyal friend. As I say great tragedy is upon us So time will I not waste on winding words For Ganon and his minions have seized, My sad home, the island of Koridai.


KING Hhhhhhhmmmmm… That is a dilemma great and evil thus, And pains me to see you, my good friend, On dark routes of the grim fallen timeline, That if’t were I, would lead to such rash work, As drown my land in waters of the sea, Or build a mighty army of machines, That would turn on good by magic evil. So as great king, your friend, goodness combined, I ask you thus in faith, how can we help?


GWONAM It is written, in our scrolls, old, mystic, divine, That hero of green and sword of master, Is the one that can strike evil in twain, And save my fair home from a Lorule fate. As such I speak true and sure when I say, In that only Link can defeat Ganon.


LINK Great! It is such wondrous words thou dost speak, For my weary hearts seek adventure thus, And will join you henceforth to your sad home, But pray briefest moment, I’ll grab my stuff!


GWONAM There is no time, my home’s near a Deku’s fate, Leave bow, sticks, and bombs, your sword is enough.


LINK How about a kiss Princess Zelda fair? Perhaps for honour, or perhaps for luck?


ZELDA Go scoundrel, go rogue. Leave you must with haste! You chide me much with your wasteful trifles. Not obey, I will not do thy bidding, No kiss for you, you’ve got to be kidding!


Exeunt


Act 1 Sc.2 – Exterior, in the skies, upon a magic flying carpet


GWONAM Squadala! To Koredai Isle with speed! Above fields, mountains of death, and lost woods, Through Hyrule’s blue sky so sweet, good, and clear, To my forsaken, bitter realm. We’re off!


LINK Wow! I say with much surprise and grim fear, Now that I gaze upon your blighted home, I pity you, and those of Koredai Isle, Whose realm is haunted by great beasts so mean, Methinks Ikana or Arbiter’s Ground, And strengthens my resolve to do such good. But I say oe’r there, faces of evil? Pray tell what is thus? What are all those heads?


GWONAM These are thee grimaces of villainy, The source of evil. You must conquer each.


LINK I guess I’d better get going. Right now! For though my heart is full of fear and dread, I must head on, with courage and sword true, Defeat Ganon, and save them from this curse.


A map appears in front of Link


GWONAM

Here is the map, you must gaze upon it.

Find your way, choose the good and righteous path,

Your decision made I will fly down low.

Tell me brave Link, where do you wish to go?


Exeunt



And there you go. That was a thing, however I hope you enjoyed it. I properly worried about iambic pentameter and style, put quite a bit of effort into it too. If you like it let me know. I might try Hotel Mario next...


With that it's bye for now. I'll be back soon.

Jon



https://www.troubador.co.uk/bookshop/young-adult/when-the-world-falls-down/



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